Nothing makes you feel more like a drug addict that going through detox. That makes sense though I guess.
I had a prozac checkup a week or so ago. The doctor said that since I'm doing so well I can try going back down to my original dosage (20mg instead of 40mg a day) and see how I do on that. She said there'd be withdrawal, but I didn't realize it'd turn me into a crazy person. I feel like I'm on a constant rotation of happy and energetic and sad and yell-ish and nauseous and sweaty . . . and then I sometimes I feel like I need to just lay my head down and want to bounce off walls at the same time.
Needless (or needful - based on how well you know me) to say - this is a completely new and extremely weird experience for me. Though I was rather rebellious as a teenager I never really did anything super "bad." My mama had such a tight rein on me growing up that a big part of my rebellion was jumping into puddles when my mom told me not to - yes, as a teenager not a six-year-old. Of course, there was also the sex . . . Anyway, when it came to mind altering substances, I have absolutely no experience. I've never done drugs - didn't even have to "Just say NO" because I was never offered any. I've never seen drugs and have never had any idea where to get them if I'd ever even wanted any. I never drank anything until I was on my honeymoon - they wouldn't let us buy anything at the first grocery store we went to because they thought I was paying James to get me booze since I was a minor. Even now, I rarely drink much because it costs money and is empty calories. I don't like the buzzed feeling of not being in control anyway. If I ever became a regular drinker it'd be to help my insomnia. As for the legal drugs - I did smoke a couple times but I enjoy a nice secondhand smoke more than an actual cigarette since most of my high school friends smoked while I hung around them. So all this to say - I've never been anywhere close to needing to experience any sort of detox. Maybe that's why it's hitting me so hard - like people that don't drink much getting drunk easier or something.
I've been tempted to just go back up to my regular dosage of the prozac because of the withdrawal unpleasantness I'm dealing with. But I'm going to try to stick it out and let it balance out and see where it leaves me before I make a decision. For the time being, I'm really praying for patience from James since this isn't just a one day recovery period from a cold or something normal. Today when I was coming home from Walmart I really felt like crying (for no reason of course) but I couldn't let it come out. To explain how it feels to want to get a cry to come out just think about when you have to burp but it won't come up no matter how much air you swallow - it's like emotional constipation. So I tried to fake cry to get it started - but that just made me laugh - and then I thought <with irritation> "So glad my brain is finding amusement in this situation" like my brain is a separate person sabotaging my crying constipation. That made me laugh again. Which made me sad.
I know that I sound crazy - that's why I'm writing today. I'm hoping that putting it out there will get some of it out of my head a little. Also - I wanted to provide an example of why I never started a blog before I went on prozac. This is utterly ridiculous. It's bad enough to have the crazy in my head but to add to all the crazy on the internet is like shootin' a dead horse. So yeah, lots of weird feelings today. It's like the medicine is wearing off enough to make me super sadish but I'm still rather cheerful about it. Ask James - I go from yelling to laughing to flopping on the couch within the span of seconds. This afternoon I was laying on my back on the couch after an occasion of what I just mentioned and jokingly asked him to bring me my mt. dew - but with a straw so I could sit it beside my neck and not move but still drink it. Even though I immediately said I was joking - he did it anyway. I guess he knows that I don't joke about mt. dew. Also - Dannie makes me feel happy so he set her up in front of me with the high chair and she just laughed at me while I poked her with my foot.
Another thing I was thinking about today is how this dosage adjustment will affect my parenting. I yelled at the kids on Wednesday. I can't remember why but it was for a lame reason. Probably to do with cleaning up something that I shouldn't have had to clean up or whatever. So I've really been debating with myself on if this lower dose is a good thing for my kids. Should I do the higher amount and be happy mommy or do the medium amount and be crazy yelling mom sometimes and learn how to tame the flesh and all that good Christian stuff. Then I had the thought that God made me this way. God gives us children that are best suited to being raised by the parents they have. So MAYBE my kids need to be yelled at. My mom yelled at us a lot and I like her and love her and all that now - as do my brothers. Maybe if my mom hadn't yelled at me then I would have rebelled even worse than the puddles and the sex and then detox would have been something I learned about a lot earlier . . . wow, I feel like such a deep-thinking druggie right now.
It would be great if you'd pray for me. Pray I get through this chemical adjustment period, that the people that live with me get through this chemical adjustment period, and that I can make the right choice on what dosage I should end up taking after I get past this part of the crazy. I'm going to go have a hot flash now and hope that I still have a few friends left tomorrow.
Just keepin' it real.
