I'm pretty sure that anyone that knows me just a little bit wouldn't be surprised to know that submission is not something I'm naturally good at. I've been greatly challenged in this area of late. But for the first time ever I think I did it right. Here's how it went down:
James made a choice. I one hundred percent disagree with this choice . . . but I'm going along with it. I've done that much before - but this time I added some prayer and some friends prayed with me and I made a choice of my own . . . and something in my heart adjusted. It's the sort of adjustment that you know only God can make because all I wanted to do was yell at James for a few days and then leave for a few months.
I think it was the combo of the praying and the choice on my part and the power of God Almighty that has caused me to love my husband so much the past few days. The choice I made was simple - it was to stay with him. Then I figured that staying and not making the best of being stuck with the fella forever would be a waste. The point of marriage is to show the world the love of Jesus and the unity and all that stuff. Our marriage should be such that we're better together for the furthering of the kingdom of God than we are apart. So if we're going to be together we might as well be beneficial for the great commission.
Are you with me? :-)
So my realization today is that I actually submitted properly to my husband for, quite possibly, the first time ever. Submission isn't agreement. But I think it's kinda sorta going along with something you aren't necessarily a fan of, not arguing about it 'til you get your way, being at peace, not letting it affect your happiness, and most importantly for me - loving your husband beyond your own strength when you think he's wrong. This is a peace that only comes from God and it's a peace that I could only have found by my husband making the wrong choice. (In my own ever so humble opinion of course.)
It's a very weird experience for me. I've decided to trust - and it's not a trust that I have to have in every single one of my husband's choices (because it usually comes down to a matter of opinion) - but it's a trust that I'm taken care of - a trust in God that he has entrusted me to James. To now be at peace instead of angry frees me to see that James loves me and actually makes decisions that he feels are right - even though I may think they're stupid. I mean God used a lot of crappy people to do his work - and James is way better than Paul started out. I like James, he's a great guy, but it's really hard to let even a great guy make choices that affect you so much and then not be a big brat and make 'em pay for it. I actually want to be happy with my husband and if it means keeping my snide comments to myself and thinking of him above myself and being kind to him when I want to punch him in the face - then I think I'm starting to be ok with that sacrifice.
Of course, I'll need to keep the prayers going and keep making decisions in my heart constantly to not just stay physically - but to stay in every way that one can stay. To decide to be united instead of at war. Better yet - to be at war but not with each other. I have to admit - I need a war on one front or another. James is someone good to fight on the same side with - he's actually an excellent fighter. I'm impressed that someone as gentle as him can be such a good fighter. You should hear him on the phone with the credit card people.
So, submission. It's not completely terrible. I just hope James is making the right choices because I know I'm covered - but, as the leader, he's straight under God himself and God might smack him upside the head if James is taking the whole family down the wrong path. That will be so awesome. But it'll also be awesome if James is right and everything turns out just fine.
