"He's not a human being," she retorted, "and he had no claim on my charity. I gave him my heart, and he took it and pinched it to death, and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him; and I would not, through he groaned from this to his dying day, and wept tears of blood for Catherine! No, indeed, indeed, I wouldn't!"
- Isabella, Wuthering Heights
Unfortunately, there was a time when I could understand these sentiments very well. Young ladies have such a beautiful, heart-wrenching way of putting things when they've been discarded and hurt by the person they've given their love to. I felt this exact way when I was 17 and I continued to struggle with forgiving one particular person for many years after I'd long been forgotten by him. As years went by I could tell I hadn't forgiven fully because I didn't hope good things for him - it was actually quite the opposite. It's true what I've heard - that it hurt me more than it did him! I didn't have the power within me to feel anything but undiluted hatred towards him. I didn't have the power - but I knew where I could get it from.
I finally learned that if God can love me, knowing who I am at heart - someone capable of such hatred - then He could give me the strength to not only forgive, but to wish well; to pray for my enemy, his salvation, and a blessed life. It's only God Himself who could bring me to this level of forgiveness and it's God who has gotten me as far as I am today. There were quite a few phases to get through, from a 17-year-old teenage girl wishing her ex-boyfriend to burn in hell, to only having bile rise up in my throat at his memory, to actually hoping he finds his right path to Jesus. It's still a bit hard to imagine worshiping the Lamb in Heaven one day with him if he does find that path . . . but I am a pilgrim in progress after all!
It's taken a long time to figure out where I went wrong - how the whole situation could have been avoided. I knew the second he left me that I'd taken the wrong path, but exactly where did the path fork? Although there were many areas I went wrong in this situation, I believe it was when I decided to give my heart away in the first place. The heart wouldn't be damaged if it had been kept, treasured, protected, and most importantly, entrusted to God. He knew what was best to do with my heart but I insisted on caring for it myself. I only got it broken - so to speak.
As a result of my bad choice I ended up bringing something damaged and second-hand into my marriage - instead of something pure, whole, and new. Somehow we kid ourselves into thinking we can build a lasting marriage on broken pieces. Thankfully God had a plan to restore what was demolished long before I ever screwed up!
I don't like to remember my past because it was such a sinful time - this pilgrim was off her path. And I knew I was off the path; I tried to be off the path; I could look around and see where the path was and I conscientiously and purposefully walked in the opposite direction of the right path. That's who I am - you'll never catch me justifying my sin - I know when I sin! To put it in a nutshell: I was disobedient and rebellious - completely on purpose. Quite the prodigal daughter. (And my parents always took me back - just like in the parable- a sentiment worthy of it's very own blog entry some day!) But one of the many things that's so awesome about God is that He will take the bad things and use them for good. So, as much as I don't like to "reminisce" about my past, I'm so thankful that I've been able to move past the shame of it. I'm not happy with the decisions I made but I'm very happy that God's given me a heart to share it with others so that they may learn from it. That's the beauty from my ashes.
I'm also very happy to no longer be able to identify with Isabella! She's kinda a freak . . . but so was I. Who am I kidding, I still am.
"You can't get free of something shameful keeping it a secret . . . "
"I'm not telling the truth to hurt anybody. I'm telling the truth to get free. And I'm telling the truth to remind me there are wolves afoot. I'm telling it so I will remember to be a smarter sheep. I'm not keeping any more wolves' secrets. I'm going to stick closer to the shepherd, And if a wold tries to bite me, or just get close to me, I'm going to open my mouth wide and bleat. 'baa! baa! baa!' I'm singing so I will learn to be a smarter sheep. I'm singing my truth song 'cause someone's going to need to hear it, someone coming behind me is going to need to hear it so she or he can be strong."
"It would be wrong of me to deceive you, to tell you that changing is easy. Cutting that disease away from your soul is painful . . It takes great courage . . But the man or woman who has the courage to do it, to change, that man or woman can be made whole . . We can choose to be courageous people. We can choose to stand, to fight against what is wrong inside ourselves. We can choose to be made whole."
- Abraham's Well
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