At All Times.

Does anyone else want to smack their kids upside their heads when you hear them say "Well you're not my friend anymore!" to their contemporaries? Right . . . me neither . . .

I've been thinking about those few little words a lot lately. As grown ups - we can't say that anymore and still call ourselves grown ups. But we think it and feel it. So the friendship issue can apply to all of us - not just the kids.

The first thing I think of when I think of the word friendship is usually one of two sayings - both from rather wise people. The first is from my mom. "If you want to have a friend, be a friend." I'm sure she didn't make it up but she's the one who first said it to me when I was about middle school age and I'd cry and cry for want of a "best friend." And she's said it many times after that as well. It's what I think of every time it comes to mind that I like someone and really want to be friends with them. I can't just sit on my butt and wait for them to come be my bosom buddy. I actually need to be a friend to get one. Guess what - it works. The other thing I think of is by Solomon: "A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17. It was one of my very first memory verses as a child and has provoked lots of thought about it's deeper complex meaning through the years. Not really - it's pretty straight forward.


What's striking is that in both pieces of advice it's about what I need to do - not about what someone else needs to do to earn my friendship. It doesn't say: here's how to make someone like you and love you all the time, rather it says what I need to do to be a friend. I have no control over someone's response to me being a friend and loving them at all times - I just need to worry about myself - as I'm always telling Corrie.

So I had a smallish discussion with Corrie about this the other day - after I heard her yell the "You're not my friend anymore!"business at a "friend." I let her know that, first of all, it doesn't matter if they were BEING her friend or not - she can only control if she's being a friend or not. And, second of all, I let her know that she wasn't being a friend to start with if she felt the need to say that. If you can turn on and off your affections then you're not loving at all times and you don't get to label yourself as a "friend." After that she asked if she could have Ramen Noodles and I asked her if she heard what I was saying and then she said yes and then I sent her to bed . . . anyway.

Here's the Jesus part. He loves at all times. He doesn't turn his affections for us on and off based on if we're being jerks. We're supposed to be like him. Abraham was a friend of God. Perhaps it's a bit simpler than we thought it was. Perhaps Abraham loved God at all times and that's what made him a friend. God is with us through fair or foul weather - why shouldn't we do the same? We can only control ourselves.

Spiritual Barf - So Not Gross

Sunday our pastor asked us a question at the end of his sermon. You know the kind - where they say that they feel like it's a message for someone here today and then you're like: "Oh crap, that's totally me." He asked us to search our hearts and see if there was something we need to sacrifice - something we needed to give up that's hindering our growth with God. (I'm sure that's not an exact quote . . . but along those lines.) For myself it's a question of what am I wasting my energy on that I need to be using to get closer to my Savior. 

So as I was standing there with my eyes closed beside my husband . . . thinking about all the things he needs to give up and about how applicable the message is for him . . . you know I'm not the only one . . . and I felt God give me a one word answer. Here's the weird part. It wasn't for anyone else but me! Who woulda thought. 

It's so cool when Jesus Jesus Jukes you. Because he does it nicely and gently and lovingly - not like me. I like to use my whole body and kind of jump as I stab my finger at you and yell "You just got Jesus Juked!" But with that one word from my Lord I just stood there with wide eyes and thought "Whoa. I had no idea. I'll get right on that God." 

And I did get right on it. I've often sat those moments out - let others have their special revelations from God while I just chill or think of how others need to be having these moments with God. But Sunday I prayed. I acknowledged how right he was about that one thing I need to give up; I gave it to him; I said: You deal with it - I'm guess I'm not doing as good a job at fixing things as I thought I was. And then . . . he took it. I didn't get a super special feeling to know he took it - rather it's been evidenced in the past few days.

Remember my use of the word "energy?" I have more energy. It's kind of like God is spiritually barfing all over me and it's so awesome. The energy I was using to focus night and day, day and night on that one thing had been taking all of my energy! I'm free now! It's like I deleted my cookies and now I run smoother and more efficiently. I have more space in my hard-head . . . I mean hard-drive for what HE's been saving for me. He just needed me to free up the space. He's been pouring revelation after revelation onto me and it's so much and so awesome and so non-stop that I can't write it all down - I actually had to stay AWAKE after my kids went to school and I started writing . . . and it wasn't fast enough . . . so I started typing and taking notes and jotting down ideas and trying to put these revelations into words that I can comprehend when I have time to go back over it. 

It's fantastic. It's riding the line of overwhelming. I think God's doing it that way on purpose. He's really showing me how much he has for me and how much he wants to give me and all I have to do is basically get over myself. 

I'm so excited I could barf.

Out of the Depths of Myself

This may read more like a journal entry than I usually write . . . you'll note the use of the phrase "for me" and such throughout . . . this is my testimony not what I think is the best for everyone. :) 

A lot has gone on for me in the past year. Right before I discovered my pregnancy with Dannie life got so much worse for me. Nothing in the physical happened - I just became more and more unable to deal with normal everyday life. What depression was like for me:
 

I've never had a harder time describing something than I have with depression. It's hard to put into words and impossible to know what it's like unless you've experienced it - which I'd rather people not have to learn in that way! It felt like trying to drag my feet through mud - except emotionally. Things that were simple and normal and not difficult were extremely hard for me to handle. I got out of bed but with great difficulty. I remember laying in bed hearing James and the kids doing life out in the living room while I tried to talk myself into simply standing up and going out to face everyone. There was lots of yelling, crying, mental chaos and confusion and general hopelessness.There were mostly bad days and the goods ones were so few and far between that I couldn't remember the last one in between them.

I treated my husband and kids like crap - but I didn't know of any other way to BE but bridezilla without the bride part. It made it difficult for my family to do anything but behave in whatever way would make me happiest rather than just being themselves. Depression leaves no room to be anything but selfish. I hated how I was but couldn't seem to manage being any other way. The smallest thing would set me off or get me down or ruin my day. It's like being trapped in a prison of negativity. As I've already said - it's very hard to describe. I feel like I'm making it sound much worse than it was but at the same time, it was also much worse than what I'm describing. What's up with that? 

It was at it's worst when I wanted to leave. I thought about it a lot. Literally leave - take whatever cash I could find and go somewhere random and hideout until I could get myself together. The issue wasn't with my family - it was with myself. I knew I was hurting them and I didn't want to stay and keep hurting them. I really thought it would be better for them to have no wife/mom than to have the mess that I was. I never did leave. I knew James would think I left him because of him and that wouldn't be true but wouldn't have kept him from thinking it. If there had been a way to ensure my husband and kids would know that it truly was a "me not you" situation then I would have left. I'm glad I didn't end up feeling the need to take that route. I'm glad I found another solution.

It was this line of thinking in part that lead me to the realization that there was something seriously wrong with me. Surely most wives and mothers don't think about leaving the man they married and the kids they gave birth to! I slowly came to see that it just wasn't normal for me to be so angry and so sad just about everyday. It wasn't normal for me to be unable to deal with making dinner for my kids. There being a stack of dishes AND laundry may be overwhelming but not to the point of tears. The sound of my kids voices shouldn't be enough to push me over the edge and yell for them to go to their room until I called them out.

I also "interviewed" a few people that seemed like genuinely happy people - not just fakers. I asked them if it was their salvation that turned them into happy people or if they were like that even before being saved. Is it possible to have a happy positive personality even when things aren't going perfectly? I came to the partial conclusion that it was a me thing. I know it's also a choice, but there's something to predisposed personalities.

I also do want to address the spiritual side of my depression. I truly feel that Jesus could have healed me (more later on how He DID heal me). Jesus is big enough to have worked over time with me to get through the root of my depression and taught me many lessons along the way. Or he could have snapped his fingers and "fixed" me. And if I was single and not hurting others constantly through my depression then I would have chosen to get through it without drugs. I wish that I could have done it that way and had it be just me and Jesus and the nitty-giritty and letting him heal me and all that - but I decided to do what I felt would be best for all of us. I think everyone can agree that there are different solutions to problems when you're in different circumstances. For me - a solution in any form was welcome!

Around the time that I found out I was pregnant I had an instant but short-lived boost in my mood. I was so happy to be pregnant that it sustained me for a while. I think it was a mix of euphoria and hormones that did it. But happiness dependent on circumstances doesn't last very long. It was unfortunate that everything came to a head while I was pregnant. The decision came down to risking an unborn baby by taking medication or risk my two older kids and husband going through more of what they'd already gone through. My midwife and doctor said they women do take prozac when necessary during pregnancy and things were so rough that it felt very necessary. I tried for a while to go without but it was just a horrible hopeless time for me. After the initial gladness at the pregnancy I felt all the more sad and hopeless that I was bringing another kid into the world to screw up. So I started the lowest dose of the drug - and thankfully that did it for me through the pregnancy. (I did need to up it a little after I had Dannie due to a hormone drop that never really balanced out.)

Prozac takes around 2-4 weeks to start working. But I felt immediate relief that wasn't connected to the drugs kicking in. I felt hope. It was hope at life getting better soon. I didn't know exactly what that would look like or how it would change me or my personality or how it would feel - I just knew anything would be better than what I'd been dealing with. And I was ready to see what it could do for my family life.

I can't remember the exact details of the situation but I do remember the first time James looked at me funny because I didn't respond to something the way he'd expected me to. Hardly anything bothers me anymore. The kids can cut up and I barely notice. Housework isn't overwhelming - whether I decide to do it or leave it for tomorrow. I have patience. I laugh at what makes weaker men cry. :) I can be faced with a choice about how to behave and make a logical decision. So, if I do yell it's because I've rationally decided it's what I want to do. 

The worst part of the drugs has been when I really am upset about something and can't seem to let the emotion out to feel it. I can almost feel my brain blocking the tears. Sometimes a girl just wants to have a good cry and it's weird when I can't. I hate when it prevents me from expressing how passionate I am about something. It's a side effect I'm very willing to have though. Maybe I'll make and sign I can wear that says: <insert tears here> or something . . .

So, I do think Jesus healed me. You know how God like uses people and things to like answer prayers? I think he used Prozac to heal me. I think he guided me into that choice. I think he made it react and work in my brain when it doesn't for some people. It's the right thing for me - at least for this season. I look forward to one day going off the medicine and learning how to truly control myself with only God's help. To really see what it's like to trust him and have joy in my circumstances. For now I need this crutch - maybe until my kids move out or are old enough to understand things better.

What it's really done for me is to help me move on to the more important things in life. Instead of using all of my energy to pull my feet out of knee deep mud with every step - I can walk easy - I can give my energy to my kids, my husband, my Lord. My cleared up brain has helped me grow closer to everyone in my life. Not just my family and friends but most importantly - Jesus. I've been so free to come to so many new revelations that I've worked my whole life to attain. I can't say for sure - maybe ask James or someone that can see the before and after - but I don't think I'm as selfish. I'm not sure if I've ever thought of others as much as I have in this last year. When you have such sadness taking up so much of the inside of you it's really hard to focus outward. Life feels good now that I don't have to feel overwhelmed and second guess every thought and decision I have. I'm excited about . . . whatever. I feel happy, joyful, peaceful, THANKFUL. Life is so good and nothing has changed at all - except me and my serotonin levels.