This may read more like a journal entry than I usually write . . . you'll note the use of the phrase "for me" and such throughout . . . this is my testimony not what I think is the best for everyone. :)
A lot has gone on for me in the past year. Right before I discovered my pregnancy with Dannie life got so much worse for me. Nothing in the physical happened - I just became more and more unable to deal with normal everyday life. What depression was like for me:
I've never had a harder time describing something than I have with depression. It's hard to put into words and impossible to know what it's like unless you've experienced it - which I'd rather people not have to learn in that way! It felt like trying to drag my feet through mud - except emotionally. Things that were simple and normal and not difficult were extremely hard for me to handle. I got out of bed but with great difficulty. I remember laying in bed hearing James and the kids doing life out in the living room while I tried to talk myself into simply standing up and going out to face everyone. There was lots of yelling, crying, mental chaos and confusion and general hopelessness.There were mostly bad days and the goods ones were so few and far between that I couldn't remember the last one in between them.
I treated my husband and kids like crap - but I didn't know of any other way to BE but bridezilla without the bride part. It made it difficult for my family to do anything but behave in whatever way would make me happiest rather than just being themselves. Depression leaves no room to be anything but selfish. I hated how I was but couldn't seem to manage being any other way. The smallest thing would set me off or get me down or ruin my day. It's like being trapped in a prison of negativity. As I've already said - it's very hard to describe. I feel like I'm making it sound much worse than it was but at the same time, it was also much worse than what I'm describing. What's up with that?
It was at it's worst when I wanted to leave. I thought about it a lot. Literally leave - take whatever cash I could find and go somewhere random and hideout until I could get myself together. The issue wasn't with my family - it was with myself. I knew I was hurting them and I didn't want to stay and keep hurting them. I really thought it would be better for them to have no wife/mom than to have the mess that I was. I never did leave. I knew James would think I left him because of him and that wouldn't be true but wouldn't have kept him from thinking it. If there had been a way to ensure my husband and kids would know that it truly was a "me not you" situation then I would have left. I'm glad I didn't end up feeling the need to take that route. I'm glad I found another solution.
It was this line of thinking in part that lead me to the realization that there was something seriously wrong with me. Surely most wives and mothers don't think about leaving the man they married and the kids they gave birth to! I slowly came to see that it just wasn't normal for me to be so angry and so sad just about everyday. It wasn't normal for me to be unable to deal with making dinner for my kids. There being a stack of dishes AND laundry may be overwhelming but not to the point of tears. The sound of my kids voices shouldn't be enough to push me over the edge and yell for them to go to their room until I called them out.
I also "interviewed" a few people that seemed like genuinely happy people - not just fakers. I asked them if it was their salvation that turned them into happy people or if they were like that even before being saved. Is it possible to have a happy positive personality even when things aren't going perfectly? I came to the partial conclusion that it was a me thing. I know it's also a choice, but there's something to predisposed personalities.
I also do want to address the spiritual side of my depression. I truly feel that Jesus could have healed me (more later on how He DID heal me). Jesus is big enough to have worked over time with me to get through the root of my depression and taught me many lessons along the way. Or he could have snapped his fingers and "fixed" me. And if I was single and not hurting others constantly through my depression then I would have chosen to get through it without drugs. I wish that I could have done it that way and had it be just me and Jesus and the nitty-giritty and letting him heal me and all that - but I decided to do what I felt would be best for all of us. I think everyone can agree that there are different solutions to problems when you're in different circumstances. For me - a solution in any form was welcome!
Around the time that I found out I was pregnant I had an instant but short-lived boost in my mood. I was so happy to be pregnant that it sustained me for a while. I think it was a mix of euphoria and hormones that did it. But happiness dependent on circumstances doesn't last very long. It was unfortunate that everything came to a head while I was pregnant. The decision came down to risking an unborn baby by taking medication or risk my two older kids and husband going through more of what they'd already gone through. My midwife and doctor said they women do take prozac when necessary during pregnancy and things were so rough that it felt very necessary. I tried for a while to go without but it was just a horrible hopeless time for me. After the initial gladness at the pregnancy I felt all the more sad and hopeless that I was bringing another kid into the world to screw up. So I started the lowest dose of the drug - and thankfully that did it for me through the pregnancy. (I did need to up it a little after I had Dannie due to a hormone drop that never really balanced out.)
Prozac takes around 2-4 weeks to start working. But I felt immediate relief that wasn't connected to the drugs kicking in. I felt hope. It was hope at life getting better soon. I didn't know exactly what that would look like or how it would change me or my personality or how it would feel - I just knew anything would be better than what I'd been dealing with. And I was ready to see what it could do for my family life.
I can't remember the exact details of the situation but I do remember the first time James looked at me funny because I didn't respond to something the way he'd expected me to. Hardly anything bothers me anymore. The kids can cut up and I barely notice. Housework isn't overwhelming - whether I decide to do it or leave it for tomorrow. I have patience. I laugh at what makes weaker men cry. :) I can be faced with a choice about how to behave and make a logical decision. So, if I do yell it's because I've rationally decided it's what I want to do.
The worst part of the drugs has been when I really am upset about something and can't seem to let the emotion out to feel it. I can almost feel my brain blocking the tears. Sometimes a girl just wants to have a good cry and it's weird when I can't. I hate when it prevents me from expressing how passionate I am about something. It's a side effect I'm very willing to have though. Maybe I'll make and sign I can wear that says: <insert tears here> or something . . .
So, I do think Jesus healed me. You know how God like uses people and things to like answer prayers? I think he used Prozac to heal me. I think he guided me into that choice. I think he made it react and work in my brain when it doesn't for some people. It's the right thing for me - at least for this season. I look forward to one day going off the medicine and learning how to truly control myself with only God's help. To really see what it's like to trust him and have joy in my circumstances. For now I need this crutch - maybe until my kids move out or are old enough to understand things better.
What it's really done for me is to help me move on to the more important things in life. Instead of using all of my energy to pull my feet out of knee deep mud with every step - I can walk easy - I can give my energy to my kids, my husband, my Lord. My cleared up brain has helped me grow closer to everyone in my life. Not just my family and friends but most importantly - Jesus. I've been so free to come to so many new revelations that I've worked my whole life to attain. I can't say for sure - maybe ask James or someone that can see the before and after - but I don't think I'm as selfish. I'm not sure if I've ever thought of others as much as I have in this last year. When you have such sadness taking up so much of the inside of you it's really hard to focus outward. Life feels good now that I don't have to feel overwhelmed and second guess every thought and decision I have. I'm excited about . . . whatever. I feel happy, joyful, peaceful, THANKFUL. Life is so good and nothing has changed at all - except me and my serotonin levels.
No comments:
Post a Comment